i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
