it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
my god I love twenty year old dicks
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