This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
