My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
