I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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