that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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