I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
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