Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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