the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
