I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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