Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
