With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
