I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
