Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Randomize
