onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
