I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
