It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
where are my eyebrows?
I currently don't understand fingers.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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