what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
