Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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