I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
