She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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