I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
