he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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