I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Randomize
