Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I could have mohawked her pubes.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I just blew my weed a kiss
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
