So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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