my shit smells like andre
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
