I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
