The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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