allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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