he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
