It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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