look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
