Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
