There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
