I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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