Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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