We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
