you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
