we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
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