I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
