That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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