I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
