I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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