u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Too much gin, very little bucket
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
When are your genitals available?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
