'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
The struggles of a small town man whore
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
