Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize