He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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