Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
