i was born a porn star she said
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
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