you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
