Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize