i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
She's the barista slut.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
