If i come over, it means nothing
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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