My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
