That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
